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One of us is pure evil...
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Below are the 13 most recent journal entries recorded in One of us is a Super-Evil Genius.'s LiveJournal:

Thursday, January 1st, 2004
7:34 pm
...with stops in Ex-Girlfriend Junction and West Breakin-up-with-you...
Attention: The management would like to announce the immediate suspension of the much-maligned experiment in explicit codependency that was the Dan and Jacquie journal.

We'd like to thank everyone who made the journal a success.

Special Thanks to:

Ms. Kelly Krantz
Guinness Brewing Company
Super America Gas Stations
The Lowry Hills Neighborhood Association
The City of Minneapolis
The good people at GM
The proprietors of Punk Karaoke
The Mall of America
and Steve

Dan and Jacquie
10/1/03 - 12/19/03
Friday, November 28th, 2003
9:37 am
Please read along silently while I read the directions to you.
Regarding Jill's birthday: I drank a lot and was "mean" to Spaz. Dan scolded me when we got home. I seem unaffected by the admonishment.

Thanksgiving = Oh. My. Shit.

We left only an hour later than we'd planned. The Death Car of Doom's tailpipe had been removing itself from the actual Death Car of Doom, so Dan spent much of the early afternoon under the car. I occupied my time by inflating every tire to 35 p.s.i. and gazing off into space.
We were fifteen minutes away from Gramma's house when LeCar decided to smoke profusely. Long story short; LeCar is in northern Minnesota resting in the supple bosom of Al's towing and repair, which is conveniently located next to an adequate supply of cigarettes, which I enthusiastically purchased and immediately smoked.
Dan's "Jesus Aunt" was nowhere to be found, so we skipped the leg wrestling and went straight to the food. Dan used an absurd amount of salt, but is anyone really surprised?
Napping ensued. Mom drove is back to the suburbs so we could beg Phil for a ride home in his tiny, tiny car. It worked.
We watched the Sopranos and Dan made an unhealthy turkey sandwich with every condiment known to man on it.

The end.
Thursday, November 27th, 2003
5:45 pm
Regretfully, we will be out of the office on November 27th so let's pretend it's Thursday.

Happy Birthday to Jill, the girl who can ruin any event with just one word.

Current Mood: Jill!
Saturday, November 15th, 2003
8:25 pm
"Comb the Sweet-Tarts out of your beard, and you've got a deal."
"Don't try to change me, baby."

Jacquie's been threatening to take me out and buy me clothes for some time. Friday, she finally followed through with that decision. Allegedly, the new clothes are an effort to make me look presentable at job interviews. A nice gesture, and generous enough to make me ignore the "get a job, ya’ shiftless slug" sub-text. It seems that, while the majority of my clothes, purchased at the nearest convenient "I'm not here because I'm big, I'm here because I'm tall" store, have the largest available number of X's preceding the L, I am, in fact, of appropriate dimensions to wear an XXLT.

To Jacqueline's further credit, she seemed untouched by what I had, in the past, perceived to be a universal female impulse to dress her boyfriend in clothing that makes him look SUPER-gay. No reference to Harris's unfortunate orange-striped sweater incident is intended.

My parents needed to borrow my car today, because they're usual vehicle is insufficient to transport the sheer volume of human necessary for their planned excursion. It was, therefore, my pleasure to attend Punk Karaoke in a white pickup truck.

Who likes juxtaposition?!

Karaoke was better populated this time, but that didn't stop Ian from distributing beef sticks to the crowd.

...out of context, it seems tremendously implausible to claim that sentence isn't a euphemism...

Anycrap, Harris, Matt, Fro and Joe Baldwin's diminutive lady-friend Jeanelle (pronounced J-N-L) were in attendance, which would, under normal circumstances, assure one of our party a win for the evening, but there was a pretty good non-us crowd, and one girl who, in a major blow to Karaoke tradition, was genuinely a talented singer. A fat lesbain came up to Jaqc and I before the others arrived and told us we were "both really cute." Later it became clear that she was mentally unbalanced or severely chemically altered and she was removed from the premises. Other highlights include King of Table Crap attempting to usurp a spot at Table Us, then mangling the Pixies to the point that manhandling and microphone repossession was necessary.

A humorless scenester named "Manny the Wop" alerted us all, at some point, that "Take the Skinheads Bowling" is, in fact, not a funny song in the least. Made me want to punch him in the conspicuous suspenders.

Karaoke makes Jacquie much more hateful than usual, to the delight of onlookers. Regulars Brian, Nathan, and Banjo all incurred her vocal scorn, and she is beloved by the masses for it. Or else they all went home and cried, I don't really care. Funny either way.

Jacquie and I left a little before close in deference to her early morning schedule and whatnot, but not until enough Harp to make Ian seem much wittier than usual.

I'm told JNL's bout with what I assume was the worst wine a person could ever expect to drink left her unable to drive home, and somehow resulted in Harris sleeping at her house. Drama abounds in the North Suburbs. I blame Jill, but only because it's funnier than just being annoyed by it.

We, and by "we," I mean the greater metro area, should call Jill and make her come out drinking tonight. She doesn't have to work in the morning, and she's having dinner at her apartment with her parents. This is no night for sobriety.

That's all for now, kids.

Smoke 'em if you got 'em. Bum one if you don't.
Tuesday, November 11th, 2003
7:11 pm
Jacquie es muy peligroso.

¡Ella obtiene a tipos bebidos- y los obtiene para hacer sus deberes españoles!


Current Mood: nostalgic
Saturday, November 8th, 2003
3:43 pm
Mechanically separated
Jacquie is at work today, and I am in the suburbs washing my ten to twelve ridiculously large articles of clothing.

Last night's punk karaoke was an unforgivable atrocity of poor attendance, despite the best efforts of everyone involved. We showed up, with Matt and Kass, at about a quarter to 11, to a rousing round of applause from Karaoke's illustrious purveyors, mainly because our party doubled the night's total attendence. I put my cell phone to work almost immediately in an attempt to conscript The Bens, at the very least, to show and avoid the unseemly fit of sobbing from Ian and Lemon that seemed likely to ensue with such a poor showing of door proceeds. Harris and B-mo were, it seemed unable to attend as they had spent the evening attending the theater and were winding down in a 7-corners bar.

Also, they suck.

I continued my efforts as prostelization to all that is punk rock, calling everyone of age to attend in my cell phone's memory, as well as a number of local bars, asking to speak with randomsters in hopes of enticing them to Northeast with the promise of free liquor and full frontal nudity. No such luck, unfortunately.

A night when Ian uses mic-time to read from the ingredients list of a smoked meat snack food is not a good omen from the punk gods. Kass has developed a growing enmity with Punk Karaoke's towheaded sultan of smarm and emcee extraordinaire, consisting mainly of her responding to everything he says with a noisy rejoinder (longtime fans of my primary journal may well remember that I opened for Noisy Rejoinder when I was touring in support of Hey Look Lettuce's 2nd LP "Ranch on the Side," but I digress.) The point is, Ian seems to respond much less favorably to Kass's backsass than to mine. I'm inclined to attribute the discrepancy to my innate charm, but I'm reasonably certain Ian is just more physically frightened of me than of Kass. (I should note that there's no question Kass could kick his skinny hipster ass, but she'd have Cate to deal with as well, and that fight is nothing anyone should see without paying $24.95 on pay-per-view.)

Phil and Elise showed up late in the evening, but in time for Elise to join Jacquie and Kass on stage backup-dancing for Lemon's dead-in-here-tonight favorite "Rock Lobster." Elise's venture to a venue for which she has, in the past, expressed a specific dislike is attributable, no doubt, to a volume of booze and restlessness that only a Friday night can demand of a girl. Between the booze and the malaise of such an unsuccessful evening, Phil and Elise departed pre-awards, but we few, we happy few stayed, yet again till the bitter, greasy, gristly end.

As has become a tradition with nights of such low public interest, Ian decided upon the Soviet sattelite state approach to choosing a winner again, nominating only a slightly overdressed ponce of a hipster chick for the Trophy of Distinction.

Matt needed a ride back to the burbs afterwards and Jacquie nobly offered to accompany me on the trek, turning down an extra hour or more of sleep before going in to work at 9 this morning.

Needless to say, no time for breakfast this morning, except for those of us satisfied with the glucose-IV approach to a morning meal that is Coco Puffs with vanilla soy milk.

Tomorrow, Jacq and I will spend much of the day with my mother and her mother helping in the preparation of ethnic food. How much of her enthusiasm about the day is sarcasm is a complete mystery to me, but I'm operating under the assumption that she's genuinely not in this out of a desire to kill me, steal my car and harvest my marketable organs.

The pants where I keep my cynicism are in the wash.
Friday, November 7th, 2003
5:14 pm
That's not Wayne's basement.
Hey, I just bought this
mattress like a year ago.
Do not shit the bed.

"Jacquie, that was a haiku."
Saturday, November 1st, 2003
3:43 pm
Do the Booty Dance!
Thursday evening the Very Recently Unemployed Dan and I went to that shit hole, Bobby Z's with lesserphil, studerman, and jillthurston.

Dan was drinking booze like it was diet mountain dew.

Jill has a newfound appreciation for me, as I bought most of the drinks.

I wrote a Stone Temple Pilots song in a heart-shaped hot tub.

Dan was in no condition to drive, so I enthusiastically drove us back to the "cool" part of Minneapolis.

Here's a related drunken Dan quote: "I think the Death-Car-of-Doom likes you...[gurgle]...."
Monday, October 27th, 2003
2:29 pm
...except the guy's the one with the hair...
Nothing of concern was accomplished this weekend.

Saturday, after the necessary evils of Jacq's gainful employment were overcome, a pilgimage to Dan's ancestral home in the suburbs for free laundry and limited-time meatloaf in the smoky, pie-scented embrace of the Osseo Perkins. This meant a brief stop at The House of Dan's People and the predictably awkward process of introducing young Jacqueline to those responsible for Dan's genetic material. Painless, and impressively cordial on both sides, actually. Off to Perkins with us. Phil and Matt joined us, and Phil ate enough bacon that I think Elise technically has to break up with him for a couple days or risk angering Yaweh.

Meatloaf-and-a-half and a Fudge Brownie Supreme puts a lad in no mood for any pursuits more ambitious than can be accomplished from a fully seated position, so we traded the largely suburb-bound Dr. Pepper for that paragon of loveliness and thinly-veiled contempt that is Elise, and made our way to The C.C. Club to celbrate "Set the clock back and drink for another hour" Night. Elise flitted away to play pool a few moments into her first drink (of the bar, not of the night) and Jacquie left soon after. The free-Zippo people stopped by the table a couple times to distribute fire in exhange for adding eneryone to their mailing list.

Sunday was perhaps the very definition of uneventful. White Castle and an unprecedented amount of napping.
Thursday, October 23rd, 2003
6:05 pm
Stop givin' me the stink eye.
Last night, Dan and I got hungry. Initially, he wanted Eastern European or Italian cuisine. As usual, laziness got the better of us, so we walked to The French Meadow Bakery.
Ben (our server) was incredibly jittery and had shaggy hair.
I chowed on the Butter Flight and beer that looked like piss, while Dan had some tomato basil soup with Brioche and a Diet Coke.
It was delicious.

There was talk of gas station hot dogs after dinner, but that never happened.

That is all.

Current Mood: not hungry
Wednesday, October 22nd, 2003
5:58 pm
What do you think of this?

Monday, October 13th, 2003
8:22 pm
Thursday, October 9th, 2003
2:36 pm
The Kiss of Death.
...as is frequently the case, "death," in this instance, means "nap."
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